Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in interior_city's InsaneJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Friday, May 6th, 2011
12:06 pm	Been a while MMM...good place to bitch and kvetch. So, it's been maybe two years since the last post and in that time I gained back some of the weight. Abut ten pounds. Started going back on my diet and exercise though. This first week I'm down by two pounds and very happily back on track. I've decided in the last year that 130 is a nice goal but 125 would be ideal. And if I'm not reaching for my ideals then what am I doing? Settling? Not good enough. On another front, been job searching. I have a job at a cafe as a cashier and table bussing. Okay, but the pay and hours kinda stink. Parents are having trouble so I'm gonna start using that money I'm earning to pay for my student loans. Will be a little less than half what I make a month. So, applied to two secretary jobs today. Hopefully being a pretty office monkey will be better than a food industry monkey. On the volunteer front, working for the library sucks. The department head hates me and so she has no qualms about changing the dates and times of events weeks after I make the promotional material (and she's the one who sets the due dates for these flyers). I swear nothing makes her happy. Plus anything I get from the "young adults" director is always half ass information, changed dates, all bull crap. As far as libraries go ours does very little for the young. I'm vaguely ashamed to check out books there but the interlibrary loan helps. Volunteer stunt number four seems to have been a crash and burn. I now have more doubts than before about ecumenism in volunteer efforts. I swear she didn't want to let me make the final changes on the brochures because she saw my miraculous medal and judged me to be a superstitious Catholic. Can't prove it. I hope her efforts go well, the rude lady, she is trying to help the homeless after all. Ah well. Prison ministry feels fulfilling but there's such thing as too much success. The women we (me and my prison ministry buddy) speak with love our talks and want to stay in contact even when they get out of jail. Now the only problem with that is that we never intended to have them continue contact after our ministry. We're no professional transition people. That's not how things work. So we have to gently let the women know that we aren't allowed to have contact once they get out. It's a rule. So awkward. Sometimes I wonder if I'd make a better blogger than a book author. But at the same time I want to be well organized at whatever I do. So I have to write a list of subjects to talk about when I post. Maybe thoughts on the Sunday readings and any topic inbetween? I dunno what I can contribute. More planning. Maybe I should write some terrible fanfics and just be satisfied with that. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: right now- Fort Minor (Comment on this)
Monday, October 26th, 2009
12:28 am	update Wow, only 16 pounds to go. Awesome. I don't know what to do with myself. It feels like the Lord is blessing me more than I deserve. Which is true but, well...I'm happy with this. This is good. food news: ate grass-fed meat and it was okay. Didn't really desire it but didn't throw up either. good day all around. Of course, today I ate like a pig so my numbers might be off. Gonna work out tomorrow and weigh in the day after that. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 7th, 2009
6:44 pm	been so long since the last diet rant so yeah, dated a lame ass who only managed to give me various forms of low self esteem induced anxiety and enough distraction from my diet that I've been losing the same five pounds the last three months. Freaking A. Worst thing is, I'm so hungry all the time even when I've eaten. It's like all chocolate and ice cream and junk food calls out to me. and what's worst? 9.9 times out of 10, giving into the temptation has me eating shitty tasting food that isn't even worth it. What the hell? No fun, all around. feeling far away from God, which is worse than just feeling lonely. Lonely I can handle. Spiritual dryness is shit. Current Mood: pessimistic (Comment on this)
Friday, June 12th, 2009
3:45 pm	Direction How do you tell if a friend is devoted or merely a sobbing sack of drama queen? It's weird, I ask God for friends over the summer and he sends me emails from my friends willing to pay me gas money to come visit. But I have my doubts about these friends now. Or this friend rather. She's so weepy. Any joy she experiences is merely hysterical okay-ness in contrast to the hysterical anxious misery she dwells in. I don't know that I'm willing to be sucked into that whirlpool ever again. I will no be company to that misery. And it isn't even something you can mention to her. "Your misery makes me unhappy. Makes me feel helpless and angry, bitterly so." I feel her feelings forced upon me like some responsibility, because her sentiment of sisterhood is just that, a sense of responsibility for an unpleasant relative that must be coddled and catered too in mind of her sensibilities. Why should I have to care whether she gets hurt if I didn't live with her this year? Why did that even have to enter into my consideration? Why should I have to care? What type of friendship is it that takes and takes and doesn't give back? I try so hard to be unselfish in my friendships, to be caring and attentive. Who has been so to me? My room mates was more sensitive to my feelings than my friends. My social circle is more polite in their concern. She doesn't care if my life is bad, or even unpleasant. She doesn't know how to comfort. As devils advocate, I must say that I have been impatient sometimes in my council. She has felt she could come to me in confidence and she has not gotten better for it, though I'm aware it isn't a friend's job to fix but rather support. But damn it it's hard. I can not tell her to seek other men's affection to distract from her past "great love" because she is so timid, and attaches her affections so lightly to men who show no interest in her. And then when she tells these men of her affection and is rejected she cries about it! The girl who claims she doesn't cry easily. Such bullshit. Freakin' get over it! I understand she was harmed as a child but at the same time I do not think that is the root of her problem because it is very easy to forget she was ever harmed. She is such a pity-party that she doesn't allow herself any attractive qualities. I wonder at her ever getting even to a vocation within the walls of the convent. Does she have a vocation, or is she running away from men because she's obese? Am I supposed to have pity? What am I supposed to learn Lord? That I deserve friends that can be genuinely happy for me and find their own happiness as well? All her self doubts I somewhat agree with. I don't honestly think I can be a good friend to her. Is this one of those weird "it's not you, it's me," things? She once confided to me that she didn't feel like she made any personal growth or change this year, and I can honestly agree. She becomes slowly and steadily more unhappy. I am glad I was warned off; I can not live with her. One of two thing would've occurred, either I would've snapped or her misery would've eaten me. I would've shriveled up and died. So now what do I do? Current Mood: pensive Current Music: manchester Orchestra-I've got friends (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
10:27 pm	Good Day Yesterday wasn't the best. Both my brothers ganged up on me to ridicule my reasons for being vegetarian. One simply made fun of me, the other pretended to know more about the subject than me and cut down my arguements with information that was incorrect or red herrings. Not good times, though it did teach me to think more about my need to perfect my presentation of my reasoning. Mumbling about mad cow disease isn't going to curtail the aggressively intolerant people I might encounter, or the merely curious. I also learned once again that I can be mistaken even when I'm right. God works through people. Today was my first GYN visit and my nurse practitioner used "the smallest speculum we have." Still had to be prepped. I am...very small in that area. Ah, the internet is good for TMI confessions. Other than that, I started my period within hours of leaving the GYN, and still managed to have lost two and a half pounds this week even with MS water retention. Good times. Very happy. Even though I have to wait another day to do my lab tests (B12) because I forgot and broke the 12 hour fast. I could go later in the day but I plan to attend EF Mass tomorrow morning and Christ counts as food. Hopefully I don't have B12 absorbing problems and my body isn't slowing becoming nutrient deficient. Need to start taking calcium supplements too, but I had lots of cheese today, so that can wait. </a> Current Music: Yellow (live)-Coldplay (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
3:26 pm	progress dang-it So, I'm posting this because I want to. From a technical standpoint I've lost four pounds but that was two pound lost and gained and lost again. Now I'm more back on track. Tonight I try pre-grilled and seasoned tofu. I hope it tastes awesome. Otherwise we waster four freakin' dollars. In other news, I calculated the calories of the fettuccine Alfredo my mom makes and I've severely tempted to never eat it again. The calorie count on this stuff is monstrous. I learned I like coffee if it has creamer in it, heavy cream works best but causes stomach pain later. Non-dairy creamer was okay but I didn't really wait for the coffee to cool first so it was tasted with a burnt tongue. Gonna see the doctor tomorrow and the gyno within the week. Never been to the gyno for myself (went with mom and made sure to stand where I couldn't see anything). Most likely I won't have some horrible disease since I don't sleep around. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
8:33 pm	life is weird ah, the last few days of weight loss have been weird. Two days ago I was mourning my set back to two weeks, despairing over the weight gain. The last two days I've been busting my ass trying to exercise on a stair-master because the pool here bites and I don't feel like biking every day, and now today I shove down a graham cracker smothered in nutella trying to get my daily fat requirement while comfortably eating below my limit. Weird days. On the veggie side, tofudogs don't taste that good but I think I'm getting used to it. I just need to find the right condiment to cut the weird beany taste (not the same beanie taste as soy milk, a different kind). In other news I love brown rice. My hand kinda hurts, I hope I'm not having a psychosomatic reaction to the stigmata book I'm reading. I really don't think I'll find a job in the food industry with gapping wounds on my hands. Ah, summer job hunting. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
8:54 pm	So, yeah. Summer Back at the home base, kickin' it back after another year at school. Dunno what I'm gonna do tomorrow bout the fact that I really haven't worked out and probably haven't lost any weight because of that. Probably overwork myself tomorrow causing injure. -_- I'll try to avoid that. Mom being really awesome about the whole vegetarianism thing, making sure I get food and letting me try new things. Right now I'm staring at a craigslist ad wondering if I should answer it of not. I'm okay at typing but not the best person in the world and I'm wondering if they want a really fast person. At the same time I'm kinda willing to try out for the money. Meh, I'll bring it up tomorrow morning with mom. Maybe someone has answered the ad already. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 1st, 2009
2:31 pm	my paper is never going to get done. Meh. I took a photograph and found that my chin displeases me. The bottom half of my face, the actual flesh of it, is too round. Unpleasantly round, fatty-round in obesity. Is it pathetic to feel sad that no one usually comments on my status on facebook? I think I'm going through college withdrawl, everyone is packing up and going home and I miss them already. Such a wuss. Meh back to the paper that wouldn't die. My roommate has already packed up her things and is moving them into her car. I don't think I've eaten enough today. I just want to go home. Why can't I finnish this paper and sleep till tomorrow morning? That's really what I'll do regardless of how long the rest of this paper takes. Finnish then nap and then return the books and pack-up. Why does this depress me? Current Mood: morose (Comment on this)
Monday, April 27th, 2009
8:49 pm	Post Nasal Drip =_= I have post nasal drip, which is really unique. I roommate has my sympathies for all the post nasal drip she's had that I had no idea how annoying it was, and debilitating in that irritating way. I just want to curl up and sleep, maybe read a book. Two and three quarters papers to go. Eh. On the lighter side (no pun intended) Weigh in :156.8 lbs, Woot :) I think this was God's way of encouraging me. I was worried that through the program I only would lose what I've typically lost (160 being probably the most ideal low I've had, hypothetical or otherwise) and that afterwards I wouldn't make anymore progress, coming to a stand still. Well, I was sick and ate more vegetables and lost weight even though the only exercise I did was an hour of yoga and wandering around on foot like usual. Good times. So yeah, the goal of 130 seems more like a real possibility now. Especially since I have the summer coming up, where have more time to bike and swim (hopefully my summer job won't make this difficult). I will be able to do it, I just need to make it a priority. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Someday you will be loved- Death Cab for Cutie (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
9:43 pm	Was my last post from today? Or was it yesterday? Considering a hunger strike. I'm calling it a hunger strike because people get up in arms if you say you're thinking about developing an eating disorder, or the closest thing to and eating disorder that you can manage. Anorexia sounds interesting on a purely "I don't want to be a skeleton, but being able to not eat all day would be novel," sort of way. Maybe I'm just waxing poetic on vampires again. They don't need food. Blood is no-fat. The Hare Krishna food was good. I liked it. Maybe I'd limit myself to vegan food and chocolate. Eating would be near impossible and therefore: anorexia without trying. I really don't want to look like a holocaust victim but I feel too tired to do anything now-a-days. I had to wander up and down the campus green five times trying to print my late paper and then get it squeezed under an office door. I swear life is screwing me right now. So tired. Need to do the food ethics journals. Need to shower. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: fall away-the fray (Comment on this)
11:10 am	brain leaking out on nose There's just something about the lighting in my room that makes it difficult for my eyes to focus sometimes. I think it's the florescence. As the school year comes to a close I think of the movie, what's it called? Ah, The Craft. As a Catholic who almost converted to Wicca, I know the pull and danger of magic. Hard stuff, especially because of my interest in angels and faeries and mythology. That's not what this post is about. I had to take NyQuil and last night I had very vivid dreams. One was of masturbation. Not a new topic, though in the last year or so I manage to even feel shame within my dreams which is a weird unconscious-conciousness thing. The masturbation dreams always feel real until I wake up, and I feel shame that I missed the mark again. The second part of the of the dream is what matters here. I guy I know, sees me covered in cuts, damage from some sort of battle, and he takes salves and rubs them into the cut on my face and one on the back of my head, saying that he takes responsibility for the cuts and he will take them on for me and the salve heats up and I can feel the cuts closing, healing, and this feeling runs through my body, this amazing feeling of being cared for and feeling intensely alive. I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't a dream about God. It makes more sense to me than fantasy's about some guy I don't really talk to. My head is so stuffy, and I was late to class so I had to rush out the door instead of examining this dream so some of it is gone. It reminds me of the dream I had of two guy friends I have, one of them was the one in this dream. They were discussing who would marry me so I could stay (I got the impression I was being deported or something). It was clear to me that whichever decided I was going to accept them. Maybe that first dream was about vocation. I think I'm called to the married life, but only because the pull to contemplation never felt like something I had to go find, but rather something I had t develop on my own. All this feels all jumbled together in my head. I have to write my paper, it's going to be late already, so I have to meet the 24 hour deadline so I only get 10 points off. I wish there was a better way, I feel better but still so sick. Maybe there's some DayQuil I could get from the corner store. So stuffy. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
2:02 pm	Admiting you have a problem So, I'm avoiding the fact that I'm sleep deprived and homework back-logged to write this truly important and critical statement: I have a problem. Two problems in fact. This first being social and the second being health, though they seem to tie in together. #1: I am a coward. It appears that shyness has mutated into an all-out fleeing from social situations. I'm actually a little glad that I have the sniffles because I might be able to use it as an excuse to skip the annual party that my collegial youth group throws at the end of spring semester. Tre-bien? Dunno yet, the papers are stacking up as we speak. They will get done, the questions is if I will need to throw up or be hospitalized by the end of the semester. I might need an extra day to rest before leaving for home. How does this figure in the small scale? Well, I've come to the realization that my mom had been trying to communicate to me before: my friendship with my closest (and largest, no pun intended) friend is in a word: unhealthy. I allow her to dominate me socially, and seeing how she's a depressive and inactive person, it leads me to following her actions by becoming negative and slothful.Now, this is not necessarily her fault. I've allowed this to occur. The question is damage control at this point because while ideally I'd like to distance myself from her I don't know that I can without so kind of back-up friend system. Maybe I'll try to join my room mate's study sessions. She seems productive and emotionally more stable. #2 health It's come to my attention that a major part of my diet is carbohydrates (starches) and chocolate. No good. Bad move veggie girl, bad move. I need to correct this. It seems that last summer I managed at least two cups of veggies per day and now I have trouble fitting vegetables even into the main dish of my meals if I decide either to eat pizza or cereal ( both of which are quicker foods and sweeter foods than the straight up salad stuff). Hopefully my interest in Community Sustained Farming (CSF) fostered in ethics class will bear fruit (no pun intended). The cafeteria which I'm currently tithed to (in a very real and scary sense) sucks when it comes to fresh vegetables. Especially tomatoes, which is really a deal cincher when it comes to my salads. Oh, and slimey cucumbers. No good. estan malos. Weigh in this week was good, I didn't mysteriously gain five pounds before the official documentation. Even won the weekly lottery. Dunno how I'm going to spend it. Probably pay M for J2's rosary (she's converting, so M thinks: why don't we get her a shit-expensive rosary? I hope she managed to use it). Negative again, sorry. Something that makes me a little apprehensive is the fact that this is the least I've weighed in about five years. It's hard to quantify before that since I was still growing so the height to weight ratios, while still messed up, couldn't really be messed with without careful monitor. I never felt completely okay with dieting when I was growing up, it felt like I could stunt my growth or do horrible damage if I tried, so I didn't try very hard. Now I'm at a point where I can say if I want to get rid of these extra pounds or not. I think i do, but what if there are so issues. I don't want to develop s psychological disorder where I focus on calorie counting or gain a fear of fat (which is needed in the brain to protect bio-electrical pathways in the brain). Lord, help me do this properly. Also, make me like vegetables more. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
12:08 pm	eating disorders so yeah, talked about eating disorders in my food ethics class and it brought a lot of memories up. Like my room mate confiding that she and her friend engaged in competitive starvation for fun in middle school. They had no idea what they were doing but at the same time they were proud of their ability to eat as little as possible. It also reminds me of my escapades with dieting back before I got on my program with the school psychology research team. I would eat foods so low in caloric value that I was starving and bingeing without knowing it. Now I try to keep above 1.300 calories a day and go up as close to my maximum of 1750 as I can. I noticed that if I didn't consume 1,000 calories at lunch or before two I would feel very weak that day. Even if I wasn't going to exercise that day, which was the case most days. mmmm. got the Easter basket.It was filled with wonderful chocolate goodness. The cadbury eggs make me a little leery simply because they have corn syrup making up their middles but I'll be careful. No cadbury egg meal replacement like two weeks ago. What amuses me is the chicken that poops gumball eggs. It's funny. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah. So, the anorexia talk in class got me looking up the "goddess ana" that has become somewhat of a center around which this circle of destruction has been revolving. I tried to find art of this so called goddess but most of the art out there is based on just the holocaust-victim thin anorexia sufferers. After looking at all these things I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. It surprised me how proud I was of myself. I still have thirty pounds to go, but my skin glows and my flesh is soft and rounded. I have feminine curves and a beautiful face with flush cheeks and big beautiful eyes. I'm still overweight true, but I look gorgeous with the progress I've made so far. I think I've finally gotten to the point where I understand and feel that the ana isn't what I need to aspire to, even on a visual level (which is harder to beat that the intellectual level, believe me). I eat, I eat good food and chocolate and still manage to eat popcorn and sodas and all the junk that you're not allowed to have on a diet. But I get it now. junk food makes you feel gross and weak. Soda gives the bloaty feeling I dislike so much. I think I really get it now. And it's awesome. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: the beginning is the end is the beginning- smashing pumpkins (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
7:44 pm	weight tracker I love this freaking weight tracker thing. It's so cute and cheerful. Also, my friend registered me on her wii-fit and it confirmed me at 160.5 (I'd just eaten a cupcake so this was pretty damn accurate). (Comment on this)
10:52 am	earth swallow me up a post that should've happened last night:On another note once again I battle with the scale in the program. I swear I gain five pounds right before I get weighed, my body just sucks in all the whatever it can get and holds it. I hate that scale. I feel fat and worthless.(end retroactive rant) Oh Lord, I talked about NFP today. Freaking A, I was so embarrassed. I don't think I handled it well. Sex is a very emotional issue and I just get so freakin' embarrassed and I feel like a child talking about things beyond my level. I also felt distanced from all the Catholics except R, who I may have unintentionally mocked. I feel apologetic. He's talking NFP classes because he's getting married and I got really embarrassed and asked if he had a thermometer. I hope no one heard me. I didn't mean to mock, I really wanted to know. I didn't realize how personal of a question that is until I was walking away from class. Maybe I felt distanced because S isn't a warm and fuzzy person. A lot of the peeps are stressed out. I'm such a toad. I should be hanging out with them and going to Mass and being a good friend. Is it normal to feel incompetent around the people you should feel comfortable around? I seriously suck at making and keeping friends. I'm like I have social leprosy. My friend J is too busy to seek me out for her dose of self worth.I don't know if I even want her to. Why the hell do I care if I have friends? What kind of fucking self absorbed pity party is that? I should be campaigning for the reduction of world poverty or protesting my school's budget cuts. Fuck my social problems. God will provide. But seriously, feeling kinda small in a bad way. In other news I'm seriously considering cutting all soda and candy from my life near permanently. In my food ethics class we're discussing the shift in paradigm from food as complex to the reduction to their components. Calories and nutrients are seen as interchangeable when they're not. And I'm really seeing this in my own life in the form of my calorie counting for my weight loss program. Sometimes my meal will be a candy bar or two bags of popcorn. That's not healthy. My brain can't live on that. No good. Need to find a substitute for the caffeine I get from carbonated energy drinks though. Trying NoDoz now since I couldn't find the caffeinated mints my mom sent me once. Gonna have to buy those at the grocery store since my little trading post here has crap. Other issues. My mother dearest sent an Easter basket for which I'm very grateful. What irritates me is that she went to the trouble of special delivering it so it would get here on Saturday and it's now Tuesday. What the heck overnight shipping? My mom and I are pissed at you. Have a paper in my Daniel class that I'm not ready to start yet. Ten pages in three weeks (two really if you count all the take-home tests I have due that last week there). Utter crap. I don't know how I'm going to write enough to get a good grade. It's times like these I pray my professor just gives us a grade for completion. You know, ranting here feels a little cathartic. Very cleansing. I don't have to make my mom absorb my negativity nor to I have J pulling my further into a liquid abyss of depression. I swear, emotional vampire is the right word. I'm thinking of getting her a benedict medal along with one for myself. I know I want one, she might actually need one. Badly. Feeling somewhat discouraged about the weight loss at this moment. My head hurts and I don't want to exercise today though the stress relief would probably be the best thing for me. Good thing I asked M to be my accountability, she'll remind me to do it and then I will. Hopefully. Watched a youtube video dedicated to isolating all the gay looking moments in Bleach, now I just feel unbalanced. May throw up to feel better. Feel unbalanced in a sick way. Maybe it was the NoDoz. I had an apple with it but that doesn't mean my stomach likes it. Meh. Feel less loser-ish yet more dumb-idiot with closure-ish. I should go to Bible study again. I feel a little like I've isolated myself this semester. I thought that meeting all the new freshmen and peeps at my youth group would've been pointless but now I'm staying an extra year and I've screwed up my friendships. Hermit crab tactic: fail. Totally random on the other end of the spectrum, I actually want to try NFP. Where the heck am I going to find a nice Catholic boy who's close to God and wants to do NFP and is willing to live with a vegan leaning omnivore? Lord, do you mean me to be celibate or to compromise? I may die an old maid. Am I unlovable? I don't think so. Naive maybe, but not unlovable. I'm tempted to lean NFP and start tracking my cycles so I have practice but at the same time it's freaking weird. Taking my vaginal temperature, yeah that's not completely awkward at all. Though J2 is curious about the basal thermometer too. At least I have one room mate whose open to the idea. Best case scenario: I find a guy. Will he be a virgin? Will it be a problem for our future? My brain wants to ooze out all over my desk. I might have to resort to online dating. I don't relish that prospect. At least I don't have to worry about this until after I have a steady job. One milestone at a time eh? Current Mood: Unbalanced Current Music: If I Were Gay-Stephen Lynch (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
8:47 pm	pretty picture Look! A turtle! It's like a metaphor for my weight loss journey. So deep (not). This thing amuses me very much. Also, my room mate got me a big liter of diet coke when she order pizza. So I don't have to use all my piggy bank pennies. Joy! Addicted to Buffy and watching the first three seasons on Hulu. It's all my fantasy-Literature class professor's fault. She showed us a clip and I remembered that Buffy wasn't so bad so I gave it a chance and now I'm hooked. So, the friends who were going to be future room mates are now pissed because I put my foot down and said no. Had to have super-mom swoop in and tell me that one of my friends is an emotional vampires and that living with her might kill/ruin my self esteem social life. Harsh but true. Now I'm balancing between wanting to cut ties with them completely because they're being a total bipolar drama queen about it and just wanting things to go back to their damaged status quo. There's a good thirty minute gap between when I started this post and when it's finished. I got a back spasm and then was doing required readings and I just forgot this wasn't posted. How careless. Ah, well. I figure the spasms are from dehydration. I don't drink enough water some days and then it fucks me over. I really need to stop drinking soda, or at least find another source of caffeine. I keep thinking of my dentist whose convinced that I'll need fillings the next time I come to see them. Freaking naysayers. Holy crap, I have a word to describe my friend. She's a naysayer, through and through. Not necessarily a pessimist, because a pessimist really isn't as aggressively negative as she is. Mmm. My nose feels like I snorted chlorine. I have to be more careful about exhaling when I go swimming. Current Mood: jubilant (Comment on this)
Monday, April 6th, 2009
5:55 pm	keep on trucking 163...ah, slow like a diabetic turtle. So, apparently I hate swimming at home. Cycling seems to be the exercise of choice there. Ah well. Gotta figure out what I'll do when I get back since my weight loss is going to continue beyond the program I've got going on up at school. The vegan cupcakes I made were okay. They tasted less sweet since the soy milk my mom got had added fiber, but I figure that just made them more nutritional. THe parents are still somewhat baffled at the vegetarianism, and limit their questions to "will you eat x/y/z?" to which the answer is usually no. The problem seems to be the strange strain of vegetarianism I seem to be following. While I kinda care about animals, I still have little qualm eating them. It's how they're treated before and during their death that I have issue with. But I'm poor, so a well treated cow isn't in my budget most days: so no hamburger for me. As for well treated dairy cows and egg producing chickens, I don't know where I draw the line for that yet. From an ethical standpoint, veganism is ideal but I can't force people to consider my ethics when they want to eat with me. That's too complicated. On another note. I have to make a decision that's going to hurt someone either way I choose. This has never happened to me before. I could choose who I care about more, and go with that one. Or I could chose who would still speak to me if I chose against them. I don't know. Maybe I should tell the person who doesn't know I'm making this decision. But telling them would hurt them, and that's selfish, to put my sense of guilt above their comfort. What should I do? It's really about friendship versus family. I have to choose either to heed my mother's judgment or defend my friend's character. Who is right? I don't want to disagree with my mom. But is it fair that I have to defend my friend? Is it fair that my friend is someone who needs to be defended? To have excuses made for her? I dislike this position incredibly. Is it a virtue to honor my mother in this? She says I'm an adult, and can make my own decisions. She will support me in my decisions. But I want to be honest too. I can't make my mom a demon to my friends. I won't say "Oh, she said she won't pay for it. It's out of my hands." Because it's not. I want to protect my mom's honor as well as mine. My mom thinks I am being too kind to my friend, trusting her too much. I am often called naive and childish by my friends. What should I do? Adoni, what should I do? Okay, let's look at this another way. Who am I worried about hurting here? I keep switching between wondering if my friend will abandon me if I choose against them and wondering if my mom will be right and I'll be hurt because I didn't follow her advice. Going with my friends would be the easy way out, I know this right now. It looks like the path with the less certain negative consequences. But is the easy path the right path? Ideally my parent want me to live on campus again. Would I be able to live off campus if I agreed that living with my friend was a bad idea? Would I even want to live off campus if not with my friends? I can't see a good solution that matches what I'd wanted before. Help Lord. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
1:10 am	friendship and health When you're friends, you should want your friend's greatest good right? Well a lot of my friends are over weight, very seriously dangerously over weight. I'm merely over weight, they are grossly obese. How do I keep from reacting? How do I keep my big mouth shut? The more weight I lose, the more I notice how unhealthy my friends are and how they are ruining their bodies just as I am (slowly learning to correct these mistakes of mine). And yet I can't push, can't say anything. I take one of them out hiking and they collapse, and have painful repercussions later. And it wasn't a bad hike. We walked. Slowly. Four hours isn't long if it's a slow walk. I pushed her too hard. Yet, her eating is problematic. She doesn't eat often enough, and binges when she does. Seeing me eat candy and ice cream all the time doesn't help either, but I keep within my limits. If I eat it I sacrifice some part of an actual meal to make up for it. I did that in the extreme today, so now my shit smells like junk food oil (very smelly bad). I don't know what I'm trying to say. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Friday, March 20th, 2009
1:48 pm	I've figured it out... ...why I got so fat so easily as a child. I always figured it was the ice cream, but that was only after a large amount of retrospective thinking and then only after I figured out I needed to look at my behavior in the past as well as now to figure out what's wrong with my eating habits. It was Toll House Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookie ice cream sandwiches. I ate one of those monsters every day at lunch at least from fourth to fifth grade if not in second and third (I went to three different elementary schools, area code issues). And it felt perfectly logical. I wanted one, so I ate one. I'm not sure my mom is even aware of what I did but she did notice me getting fatter and didn't say anything (she had food issues of the opposite nature growing up so she didn't reprimand eating) except to encourage me to join the swim team like my best friend wanted me to in middle school. Middle school was a swinging scale between eating too little (and crap) at school and binges at home. Not that I really even noticed my eating habits back then. I was more concerned about growing boobs and ever-present acne and of course weight loss but it was more of a "stop eating and you'll lose weight" misunderstanding about the way my body works. I'm glad my weight loss attempts in middle school didn't work. I'd be anorexic now, and/or dead from stomach ulcers. Those ice cream sandwiches added an extra 550 calories to my daily intake. That's positively massive for a girl who would mostly sit around watching TV or be sitting in school all day. No wonder I got fat as a kid. Then high school was a snacking trip. I was always munching something because I noticed I felt like crap right before I swam so I'd eat something then, and then after, and the sodas (didn't switch to diet till later in college). All this extra food just invaded my body because I gave no thought to it, no concern or logic. Then when ever I'd try weight loss it would be either a diet crazy (Atkins a few times and for a very short period, South Beach) or more dangerously and recently I'd do starvation and binge cycles. Thank God I found the weight program I'm on now. It's actually based on "eat less (but still enough) and exercise". It's ridiculous how easy it is. Especially when I cut out the meat. I found myself eating way too much meat and dairy (sweets form) and fruit juices (not nearly as healthy as just raw fruit). Now I'm making progress, instead of being baffled by the mysteries of my diet. Thank God, my Beloved, you answered my prayers. I'm taking much better care of my body now. Current mission is against soda. I've cut it back to one soda a day, though it's only been two days. Finding it difficult since diet sodas and energy drinks have the advantage of zero calories versus any of the vitamin waters or fruit juices that I could substitute, which beens more wiggle room for the food I eat during the day. Freaking HFCS are evil. It increases diabetes occurrences by 50% freaking 50%! My grandma has diabetes! I'm freaking concerned for my health. Really the motivation that got me off my butt was family. I started looking up weight gain during pregnancy and it's around thirty pounds to keep a baby healthy. And that added to my current weight at the time of 179 (let's face it, all I needed was time to make it to 180) I'd be obese if I was pregnant. And most women have trouble losing that birth weight, combine with obesity? And the damage that would do to my child and my abilities as a parent? Not good. I didn't want that future. I wanted to like vegetable and eat them more. I wanted to like eating healthier. I wanted to be more active (>_> still working on the last one). So I started figuring out how to get more vegetable, how to understand portion sizes and eat only what I needed. I made the change, I'm still making changes. Hopefully they'll stick. Current Mood: good (Comment on this)